Tag Archives: costumes
A Quick Guide to Keeping Your Halloween Costumes Tasteful
Halloween is almost upon us again. and you’re most likely going to find yourself in one of three different groups of people:
(1) Those of us who sit perfectly still at home, with all the lights off, in an often futile attempt to keep trick-or-treaters away.
(2) Those of us who plan our costumes months in advance, have placed the necessary orders on eBay or Amazon, and have our costume assembled and tailor-fit well in advance of October 31st.
(3) Screw it… let’s just go get drunk.
If you find yourself in the second category, but need a little help planning your costume, I’m here to help. Today’s Halloween is a circus sideshow – a far cry from its glorious roots in restless spirits and death. Today it’s filled with ballerinas, hobos, and princesses. While all terrifying, none of these have anything to do with the holiday’s original intentions of communing with the dead. So the sky’s the limit these days. But how do we know when enough is enough? How do we keep our costumes tasteful?
Not her best day ever.
In case you haven’t guessed, the above is an example of an inappropriate costume (Feel free to click on through to the uncensored version if you’ve got a strong constitution). Come to think of it, any kind of fetus-based costume is right out. If this was the costume you were going to go for this year, I might recommend you take it to a Planned Parenthood clinic instead. While terrifying, it’s not the sort of terrifying fit for Halloween. One look at this monstrosity, however, might make an excellent contraceptive.
It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.
Thankfully, Zack Snyder’s ’300′ is far enough in the past that we don’t get too many King Leonidas costumes with painted-on abs and faux leather underwear. That said, the floodgates are still wide open when it comes to showing a little too much skin. But don’t think for a minute that I’m sexist; I’ve seen my share of inappropriately-costumed females who, regardless of body type, have a sort of misplaced pride that results in their making questionable wardrobe choices come Halloween. Let’s just go ahead and set some ground rules: (1) Suspenders have to be attached to something more substantial than bike shorts or a Speedo. (2) I don’t give a damn how awesome your abs are; unless you’re at the pool, we don’t need to see them. (3) A clown face anywhere near the crotch region isn’t something I’d encourage you to wear outside the comfort of your home. Ideally, you’d never own such a thing in the first place.
I'm not loving Captain America's new costume.
No amount of fake blood is going to make up for your body issues.
I don’t know where to start with this one. To begin with, where’d the ‘sexy nurse’ thing come from? I’ve never met a sexy nurse in my life. No nurse has ever done anything remotely sexual to me. Nothing remotely enjoyable, even. They don’t dress in lingerie. And if a nurse ever approached me covered in this much blood, I’d go ahead and find a different dentist.
But if you thought the sexy nurse cliché was tireseome… how about movie tie-ins?
Every damn year there's a parade of these...
No more of this. Do you hear me, middle-school students everywhere? We all know you’ve seen V for Vendetta. We’ve all seen it too. But this is as obnoxious as wearing one of those Che Guevara t-shirts you bought at Hot Topic but have no idea what it really stands for. Just knock it off.
...and these.
So there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick primer on the dos and don’ts of Halloween costumes. Keep it tasteful, keep it smart. And stay the hell away from my house. It’s the one with the lights off.
Quick and Easy Costumes on a Budget
Uh-oh! Halloween’s coming up and you don’t have a costume! Don’t be the lame ghost who shows up in an old bed sheet with two eye holes cut out. And who wants to be the fifth repeat Harry Potter or sparkly vampire at the party? Get creative and turn some heads without breaking the bank! Here are some ideas to get you started:
Greek god/goddess – White bed sheet (toga style), big gold-colored jewelry (Body Central, Forever 21 have cheap selections), leaf crown (look in the fake floral section of your local craft store for something you can bend into a circle), sandals. Props can really give your costume an extra punch – spray paint a fake apple gold for Eris, hold a bunch of grapes for Dionysus, throw around a cardboard lightning bolt for Zeus. Get creative!
Don't be distracted by the cute human child parts. We are closer to complete integration than you think.
Robot – Large box, two shoe boxes, two arm-length dryer hoses, gray pants (sweats work great), silver spray paint, pot or colander from your kitchen to use as a hat. Cut holes in the bottom and two sides of the large box for your arms and head and the bottom edge of the shoe boxes for your feet (just get rid of the lids). Spray everything silver. Find old buttons, wires, CD’s to decorate your box body. It’s okay if it looks funny; it’s a nice change from the normal “sexy” costumes, and everyone will get a good laugh.
Fresh from the shower – Towel or old shower curtain, shower cap, slippers or flip flops, cotton balls or pillow/stuffed animal filler (available at your local craft or fabric store). Wrap the shower curtain around you like you would a towel. If you want, lace a string through the rings to secure it. Stuff the white fluff or cotton balls around the top to look like soap bubbles. Spice up your costume with some props – rubber duck, shower brush, etc. Feel free to shorten the length of the shower curtain if you want to show some leg!
Miss America – That old prom/homecoming dress gathering dust in your closet, sash (if you can’t find one, they’re easy to make), crown (local craft or dollar store). Feel free to get creative with your theme, too. If you can pull it off, dress up like Miss South Carolina and practice botching up your speeches. Or have your sash say “2nd Place” and make your eyeliner drip down your face.
Worst ninja – Brightly-colored clothes and scarf for your head. Spend the night “hiding” in corners, perched on the tables, or splayed against the wall as if you’re waiting for your target.
Fortune teller – Scarves (the more the better), skirts, colorful top, Magic 8-Ball. Wrap the scarves around your waist, over your shoulders, and wrap one around your head. If you have a lot of big, clunky jewelry, wear as much as you can. Paint the 8-ball white (to make it look like a crystal ball) except for the viewing window, or leave it as is for a couple of laughs.
Box of free kittens – Large box (write “Free Kittens” on the side), cat ears and tail (normally available for cheap at the mall, Walmart, etc.), black pants and top, toy cats. Just a normal cat costume but with a twist. Cut a hole in the bottom of the box so you can stand in it and walk around. Tape the cats to the inside so that their heads and paws are poking out but so that they don’t fall out. Want to go as a group? Get a bigger box so that you and two friends can walk around with you. You’ll get tired of all being in the box, but the party’s initial reaction will be great!
Zombie victim – Lots of face paint. Get a little more creative with this one, because zombies are a popular one this year. Don’t just show up in jeans and a tee, covered in red paint and a lot of black eyeshadow; try having a profession or hobby before being bitten! Have an apron or a chef’s hat? Come with a baking pan full of “brains.” Got an old sports uniform? Bring a ball with blood splatters on it. Thought you were going to come as a fairy princess? Think again. Pour some red paint on your dress and mangle those wings.
If you want to be a little more recognizable, try dressing up as a famous character. There are many you can dress up as using things you can find in your closet! Some of these listed below are great options because they’re familiar to a lot of people, but you’re not as likely to run into someone else with the same idea.
Don't matter if your legs are whiter than paper. Show off what your momma gave you.
Quailman from Doug – Anyone who watched Nickelodeon through the 90′s knows this one. Tan shorts, white tee, green vest with red Q (just use tape), red blanket, tighty whities on the outside, and a belt around your head.
Rorschach from Watchmen - Tan trench coat, pinstripe dress pants, white scarf, tan fedora. For his mask, you can try BREATHEABLE white fabric with black spots painted on, or if you aren’t that crafty, just use white and black facepaint. The mask is definitely the hardest part, and you’ll get kudos for trying anyway.
Mary Poppins – Long skirt, ruffly white blouse, pea coat, black umbrella, hat with little flowers (this you may have to put together yourself, but you can find supplies at your local craft store). Bring a spoonful of sugar and, if you’re good with a paintbrush, paint a parrot head on the umbrella handle.
Wall-E – Same as the robot costume above, but paint the boxes too look like Wall-E’s parts. Lose the hat and find some big goggles instead.
Cruella Deville from 101 Dalmations – If you’ve got a little black dress (as most ladies should) and any fake fur, get yourself some red shoes, red gloves, and spray-in hair color in black and white. Glam up with some glittery jewelry and a long cigarette holder (or something that looks like one, at least). Carry a toy dalmatian around if you can.
Maude from The Big Lebowski – Green robe. Find a cheap red-head wig and cut it to length if you can. Or get your hair done.
Bart Simspon – Blue shorts, red tee, skateboard. Paint your skin yellow.
Any Family Guy Character – They all pretty much wear standard clothing, so this would be a great group costume! Also, toy Stewies are easy to find if you want to carry one around.
